2008 Woodie Awards
The Reel Deal: What To Catch and What To Miss
Sarah Culp
Issue date: 2/9/05 Section: Arts and Entertainment
I have returned, Reelketeers, fresh from the British Isles, back to guide you through the bewildering world of the local nickelodeon with my patented mix of information, advice, and downright mockery.
Before we begin our descent into today's cinematic Hades, allow me a moment to harp on one quick point:
While I was in England, a Hilary Duff movie came out, bombed, and left, and I didn't even know about it. I tell you, those Brits may be daffy as all-get-out in some ways, but at least they've got the right idea about what to do with their nitwitted celebrities: keep 'em off the movie screen and in the television, newspapers, posters, Tube stations, and humongous neon lighting displays spanning major thoroughfares, where they belong.
Back here in the good old U.S. of A., on Jan. 28 idiot German masochist Uwe Boll unleashed another weapon of mass destruction on our fair nation, following up on 2003's dauntingly incompetent House of the Dead with his new horror flick Alone in the Dark, starring Christian Slater as a "detective of the paranomal" and Tara Reid as an anthropologist.
There are a lot of comments that could be made about the awfulness of this movie, but I'd be wasting your time if I did anything except relay this much-quoted sentiment from Nicholas Schlager of Slant magazine: "Saying Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." Ouch.
With venom like that, it's little wonder that while Alone grossed only $2.8 million in its debut weekend, failing even to make the top ten at the box office, it sure managed to get a lot more people talking than that weekend's victor, Hide and Seek, which grossed $21.9 million (nearly seven times as much in only 50 percent more theatres).
The worst thing anybody could say about Hide and Seek was that it was "bad in the sense of being morally reprehensible." Nice try, Susan Walker of the Toronto Star, but it just doesn't have that zing.
Horror continued to rule the roost over Super Bowl weekend, as Barry Watson's flick Boogeyman took the #1 spot with an estimated $19.5 million. Interesting, isn't it, that alumnae of TV's 7th Heaven only seem to be able to hit Hollywood paydirt with a genre where an actor's dramatic ability is far less of a priority than their ability to have fake blood thrown all over them . I'm sure it's just coincidence that audiences seem much more open to watching Watson and Jessica Biel suffer horribly gruesome deaths than watching them trade quips with vapid hotties of the opposite sex, as in the actors' past bombs such as Sorority Boys and Summer Catch.
Also making a better-than-expected showing was the romantic comedy The Wedding Date starring Debra Messing, which brought in $10.4 million, enough to make it #2 for the weekend. This was despite reviews that were as dismal as those for Alone in the Dark and Hide and Seek, and, for that matter, Boogeyman. January and February are sad times for movies.
This weekend brings us the dating-based comedy Hitch, which apparently hopes to score big with Valentine's Day filmgoers who have adapted the hallowed President's Day tradition of celebrating whenever it's convenient to include all February holidays.
Hitch stars Will Smith as the Date Doctor, a supercool love guru who makes his living telling tubby white guys how to get chicks. Yes, that's right, it's Jiggy Eye for the CBS Sitcom Guy.
Given that last year's big mid-February romance, 50 First Dates, made a whole lot of money, and that Will Smith's last four movies have all made a whole lot of money, I am going to go out on a limb and say that Hitch will probably do okay. But personally, I would have been a lot more interested in seeing it if it starred Don Cheadle instead.
Also opening this weekend is Pooh's Heffalump Movie, the newest installment in the Winnie franchise.
Apparently the dudes in Hundred Acre Wood are still refusing to convert their films to 3-D and pack the scripts with sassy wisecracks about pop culture. Hey, if they don't want to make money, I can't help them.
Come the 18th, Keanu Reeves fights Satan in Constantine. If Keanu wins, I'll probably have to stop writing this column, so pick your side carefully. Then again, the mere existence of Mask 2: Son of the Mask, opening the same day, is a pretty good affirmation that Beelzebub won't be departing the hearts and minds of studio execs anytime in the foreseeable future.
Also debuting on the 18th: Because of Winn-Dixie, based on an award-winning children's book about a cute little moppet and her adorable puppy dog.
Before we begin our descent into today's cinematic Hades, allow me a moment to harp on one quick point:
While I was in England, a Hilary Duff movie came out, bombed, and left, and I didn't even know about it. I tell you, those Brits may be daffy as all-get-out in some ways, but at least they've got the right idea about what to do with their nitwitted celebrities: keep 'em off the movie screen and in the television, newspapers, posters, Tube stations, and humongous neon lighting displays spanning major thoroughfares, where they belong.
Back here in the good old U.S. of A., on Jan. 28 idiot German masochist Uwe Boll unleashed another weapon of mass destruction on our fair nation, following up on 2003's dauntingly incompetent House of the Dead with his new horror flick Alone in the Dark, starring Christian Slater as a "detective of the paranomal" and Tara Reid as an anthropologist.
There are a lot of comments that could be made about the awfulness of this movie, but I'd be wasting your time if I did anything except relay this much-quoted sentiment from Nicholas Schlager of Slant magazine: "Saying Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." Ouch.
With venom like that, it's little wonder that while Alone grossed only $2.8 million in its debut weekend, failing even to make the top ten at the box office, it sure managed to get a lot more people talking than that weekend's victor, Hide and Seek, which grossed $21.9 million (nearly seven times as much in only 50 percent more theatres).
The worst thing anybody could say about Hide and Seek was that it was "bad in the sense of being morally reprehensible." Nice try, Susan Walker of the Toronto Star, but it just doesn't have that zing.
Horror continued to rule the roost over Super Bowl weekend, as Barry Watson's flick Boogeyman took the #1 spot with an estimated $19.5 million. Interesting, isn't it, that alumnae of TV's 7th Heaven only seem to be able to hit Hollywood paydirt with a genre where an actor's dramatic ability is far less of a priority than their ability to have fake blood thrown all over them . I'm sure it's just coincidence that audiences seem much more open to watching Watson and Jessica Biel suffer horribly gruesome deaths than watching them trade quips with vapid hotties of the opposite sex, as in the actors' past bombs such as Sorority Boys and Summer Catch.
Also making a better-than-expected showing was the romantic comedy The Wedding Date starring Debra Messing, which brought in $10.4 million, enough to make it #2 for the weekend. This was despite reviews that were as dismal as those for Alone in the Dark and Hide and Seek, and, for that matter, Boogeyman. January and February are sad times for movies.
This weekend brings us the dating-based comedy Hitch, which apparently hopes to score big with Valentine's Day filmgoers who have adapted the hallowed President's Day tradition of celebrating whenever it's convenient to include all February holidays.
Hitch stars Will Smith as the Date Doctor, a supercool love guru who makes his living telling tubby white guys how to get chicks. Yes, that's right, it's Jiggy Eye for the CBS Sitcom Guy.
Given that last year's big mid-February romance, 50 First Dates, made a whole lot of money, and that Will Smith's last four movies have all made a whole lot of money, I am going to go out on a limb and say that Hitch will probably do okay. But personally, I would have been a lot more interested in seeing it if it starred Don Cheadle instead.
Also opening this weekend is Pooh's Heffalump Movie, the newest installment in the Winnie franchise.
Apparently the dudes in Hundred Acre Wood are still refusing to convert their films to 3-D and pack the scripts with sassy wisecracks about pop culture. Hey, if they don't want to make money, I can't help them.
Come the 18th, Keanu Reeves fights Satan in Constantine. If Keanu wins, I'll probably have to stop writing this column, so pick your side carefully. Then again, the mere existence of Mask 2: Son of the Mask, opening the same day, is a pretty good affirmation that Beelzebub won't be departing the hearts and minds of studio execs anytime in the foreseeable future.
Also debuting on the 18th: Because of Winn-Dixie, based on an award-winning children's book about a cute little moppet and her adorable puppy dog.