2008 Woodie Awards
Haller's Comet: Daily Horoscopes
By Sarah Haller, Fortune Teller Lady
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Your Mama
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Boy, it's hot in Uranus today. Take the day off and relax.
Taurus (April 20-May 19)
With Mars in Jupiter, you'll feel full of energy today. Take a dip in the pond at the front gate. Invite your friends!
Gemini (May 20-June 20)
It's time to quit that horrible job. Take up bowling and you'll go far.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Who are you kidding?? Take off that shirt: you look butt doo doo triflin'.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
You will be plagued with good luck: everything's going your way! Just make sure you wear clean underpants.
Virgo (August 23-September 21)
If you're a man or a woman or a little confused, hotties will flock to you this afternoon like flies on crap. Pull up a beach chair next to Van Meter highway, grab a bite from Pearlstone, and stake your claim. Don't forget the sunblock.
Libra (September 22-October 22)
If it rains tonight (which it will, I'm psychic) do NOT use an umbrella. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye and today is not the day to play.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
It's time to make that call to Jerry. You have to confront your roommate about her diaper stealing. You deserve better, those things are expensive!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Shake it like a Polaroid picture all day long.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
L-L-A-M-A, the only way you get some play! Your llama, yeah yeah, your llama!
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Buy that banana boat you've been eyeing all week. It comes with a free paddle!
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Don't eat the cheese. Seriously.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Boy, it's hot in Uranus today. Take the day off and relax.
Taurus (April 20-May 19)
With Mars in Jupiter, you'll feel full of energy today. Take a dip in the pond at the front gate. Invite your friends!
Gemini (May 20-June 20)
It's time to quit that horrible job. Take up bowling and you'll go far.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Who are you kidding?? Take off that shirt: you look butt doo doo triflin'.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
You will be plagued with good luck: everything's going your way! Just make sure you wear clean underpants.
Virgo (August 23-September 21)
If you're a man or a woman or a little confused, hotties will flock to you this afternoon like flies on crap. Pull up a beach chair next to Van Meter highway, grab a bite from Pearlstone, and stake your claim. Don't forget the sunblock.
Libra (September 22-October 22)
If it rains tonight (which it will, I'm psychic) do NOT use an umbrella. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye and today is not the day to play.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
It's time to make that call to Jerry. You have to confront your roommate about her diaper stealing. You deserve better, those things are expensive!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Shake it like a Polaroid picture all day long.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
L-L-A-M-A, the only way you get some play! Your llama, yeah yeah, your llama!
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Buy that banana boat you've been eyeing all week. It comes with a free paddle!
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Don't eat the cheese. Seriously.
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