2008 Woodie Awards
Sex Scandal Rocks The Q Editorial Board
Editors Caught Trading Sexual Favors for Sports Articles
Sarah Culp
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Told You So
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Quindecim Editor-in-Chief Sarah Haller pled guilty yesterday to charges that she and the editing staff traded multiple sexual favors over several months to staff writers willing to write sports articles.
According to witnesses, the so-called "Hickeys for Hockey" policy began on a rainy Monday night in February of 2003.
"We couldn't fill the damned sports section again," Copy Editor, Johanna Goldberg, said. "We tried pop-up quotes, we put in pictures that weren't even of Goucher athletes, but all we had were the basketball scores and an interview with some members of the tennis team. It wasn't happening."
In desperation, Haller began telephoning every male who had ever written for the Quindecim in any capacity, but her pleading was ignored. As the list grew shorter, Haller took the phone into the back office.
"I can't be totally sure," Goldberg said, "but it sounded like she told the guy, 'For every hundred words you can give me about the field hockey team, I'll dance around a little.' An hour later, we had two full pages about the team's performance that season. That was how it all began."
As the semester continued, word began to spread. By April, every lacrosse player had discovered latent journalistic talents and was showing up regularly to staff meetings.
"Honestly, I think it would have been enough for them just to be near that many females at once," a staff writer said in an interview. " The editors' little deal with them was hitting the jackpot."
Amazingly, nobody outside the Quindecim staff and the athletic department realized what was happening for over a year, even the student DJs who worked in the radio station next door to the publications office.
"Well, we did hear some weird noises once in awhile, but we thought the Quindecim staff was all girls," said one DJ. "So yeah, that was pretty hot. You're telling me there were guys in there? S***, so what the hell are we supposed to listen to now?"
The editorial staff defended their actions to reporters as they awaited sentencing by the Judicial Board. "Look, there are about twelve people on this campus who have any idea what the athletic teams are doing. We're all English and Communications majors! And not the fake kind of Comm majors, the real kind! The kind that doesn't snicker when Professor Turner brings up the significance of the phallus for the eightieth time! Okay, we do a little."
The remaining staff of the Quindecim released a statement condemning the actions of their editors, who are currently suspended from duty and would be having their pay withheld, if anybody actually got paid, which would have solved the whole bloody problem in the first place.
The statement proclaimed total disapproval of offering any sort of incentive for writers other than "respect and esteem from their peers, an improved portfolio and resume, the pride of seeing their byline in print, and the occasional rock of crack cocaine."
Quindecim Editor-in-Chief Sarah Haller pled guilty yesterday to charges that she and the editing staff traded multiple sexual favors over several months to staff writers willing to write sports articles.
According to witnesses, the so-called "Hickeys for Hockey" policy began on a rainy Monday night in February of 2003.
"We couldn't fill the damned sports section again," Copy Editor, Johanna Goldberg, said. "We tried pop-up quotes, we put in pictures that weren't even of Goucher athletes, but all we had were the basketball scores and an interview with some members of the tennis team. It wasn't happening."
In desperation, Haller began telephoning every male who had ever written for the Quindecim in any capacity, but her pleading was ignored. As the list grew shorter, Haller took the phone into the back office.
"I can't be totally sure," Goldberg said, "but it sounded like she told the guy, 'For every hundred words you can give me about the field hockey team, I'll dance around a little.' An hour later, we had two full pages about the team's performance that season. That was how it all began."
As the semester continued, word began to spread. By April, every lacrosse player had discovered latent journalistic talents and was showing up regularly to staff meetings.
"Honestly, I think it would have been enough for them just to be near that many females at once," a staff writer said in an interview. " The editors' little deal with them was hitting the jackpot."
Amazingly, nobody outside the Quindecim staff and the athletic department realized what was happening for over a year, even the student DJs who worked in the radio station next door to the publications office.
"Well, we did hear some weird noises once in awhile, but we thought the Quindecim staff was all girls," said one DJ. "So yeah, that was pretty hot. You're telling me there were guys in there? S***, so what the hell are we supposed to listen to now?"
The editorial staff defended their actions to reporters as they awaited sentencing by the Judicial Board. "Look, there are about twelve people on this campus who have any idea what the athletic teams are doing. We're all English and Communications majors! And not the fake kind of Comm majors, the real kind! The kind that doesn't snicker when Professor Turner brings up the significance of the phallus for the eightieth time! Okay, we do a little."
The remaining staff of the Quindecim released a statement condemning the actions of their editors, who are currently suspended from duty and would be having their pay withheld, if anybody actually got paid, which would have solved the whole bloody problem in the first place.
The statement proclaimed total disapproval of offering any sort of incentive for writers other than "respect and esteem from their peers, an improved portfolio and resume, the pride of seeing their byline in print, and the occasional rock of crack cocaine."
Be the first to comment on this story