2008 Woodie Awards
Rabid Student Attacks Squirrel
Kent Coghill
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Told You So
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Zoonotic Viral Disease, better known as rabies, infects domestic and wild animals alike. The disease is passed from animal to animal through close contact with saliva and blood. Until last week there had never been a case of a human giving an animal rabies. Until last week . . .
Blake Salmony '06 was working in Thormann Center on a late Wednesday night with a fellow scholar, Bryant Boucher '07.
"Bryant seemed his usual self in the beginning, but something gradually changed as the night unfolded" says Salmony. "I was teaching him the times tables and every once in a while he would have a small seizure, he looked like he was in a lot of pain. The seizures lasted for about half an hour and then other symptoms started to kick in."
Salmony continued, "He had trouble breathing, his temper grew, his eyes turned red, and he kept yelling out quotes from Bloodsport, the popular 80's movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme.
"I immediately guessed it was rabies. I remember saying something like 'hey man do have rabies or something?' to which I received the reply of 'Kumite!!!' It was obvious that he was too far gone for any reasonable action. I did what any other person in my position would do. I opened the door out of Thormann and let him begin his assault on the Goucher community."
Unfortunately Salmony lost sight of Boucher at this point. Since Boucher is currently still in the Health Center, I was not able to obtain a first-hand description of what happened. Luckily a few students who had run across his path that night stepped forward. I managed to piece together each sighting to form the forthcoming account of what really happened.
Boucher dashed out of Thormann with a hunger for blood and hundreds of potential victims. He had several opportunities to attack students but instead he continued running. He ended up in the quad, where he ducked down in a pile of mud, eyes fixated on Goucher's most beloved squirrel, Michael.
Michael was doing what he usually does: gathering various nuts and berries to eat later on. It happened so quickly that no one really knew what was going on. Boucher lashed out at Michael with the strength of four rabid dogs. Even the speed of Michael the squirrel was no match for Boucher, who grabbed his tail and went in for the kill. Michael slashed Boucher and managed to escape his cold grasp.
In the scramble some of Boucher's saliva got onto Michael, infecting the admired squirrel. Boucher and the squirrel were both picked up later by security and are recovering nicely in the Health Center.
Not much is known about the cause of Boucher's outbreak, but I'm told that the very night of the incident Bryant had been seen enjoying several bowls of Vegetarian Chili, intensely devouring each one, just hours before his attack began. More on this story as the news unfolds.
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
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