2008 Woodie Awards
New Department of Redundancy Department Created for the First Time
Art LaPenotiere
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Told You So
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Displeased at recent miscommunication within his Communications Office, Goucher President Sanford J. "Sandy" Ungar has announced the creation of a new oversight entity, the Department of Redundancy Department.
"Dammit," said Ungar, his eyes blazing and his right breast exposed, "if we can't get things through peoples' thick skulls the first time, then we'll drive it home with this new department. Did I mention that it's called the Department of Redundancy Department?"
Ungar, whose given name is Sanford but who is affectionately referred to as "Sandy," said his first thought was to have Academic Dean Michael Curry head up the effort since Curry does everything else on campus except coach the men's basketball team (he does work the concession stand at halftime.)
But then, President Sanford J. "Sandy" Ungar decided the new department was so potentially complex that it would need the full and total and undivided and complete attention of one individual person.
"I think this new department is so potentially challenging that it needs the full and total and undivided and complete attention of one person - like, totally," said Ungar.
He continued, "Accordingly, I have hired an exceptionally qualified person, Dr. Allen Allenallen, Ph.D., to be the new Vice President of the Department of Redundancy Department. I want to apologize in advance for doing this in the dead of night, and in a smoke-filled room without the prior knowledge of anyone - especially since the room was empty except for me, and I have no idea how smoke got into it, but believe me, it was smoke-filled."
"Now, normally I would run these potential hires before the Board of Trustees, the Executive Committee, the Faculty Committee, the Student Government Association, through numerous Town Hall meetings open to all students, a few winos that we usually find wandering around Towsontown Mall, and a select focus group of wildlife found on campus. But this time I did not because it seemed, well, redundantly redundant."
Dr. Allen Allenallen, who has a Ph.D., earned his doctorate at the University of Walla Walla University at Walla Walla. He split his undergraduate work between Penn State and the state pen at Sing-sing where he secured a double major in Prison Administration (with a concentration in Double Celling) and Prisoner Administration.
Dr. Allenallen's famous doctoral thesis, "Doubling Up on the Juice: A Quicker, Funnier Execution," won him admiration from prison wardens all over the nation and around the country too.
Dr. Allen Allenallen, Ph.D. will begin his new position at Goucher when he arrives, according to Goucher President "Sandy" ('don't call me Sanford') J. Ungar.
Asked when that might be, Ungar, eyes blazing and by now stooped over from the weight of extensive nipple jewelry, replied, "You didn't hear what I said? He'll assume his duties on the day he arrives, and - I might add - he is expected to arrive on the day he gets here!"
Displeased at recent miscommunication within his Communications Office, Goucher President Sanford J. "Sandy" Ungar has announced the creation of a new oversight entity, the Department of Redundancy Department.
"Dammit," said Ungar, his eyes blazing and his right breast exposed, "if we can't get things through peoples' thick skulls the first time, then we'll drive it home with this new department. Did I mention that it's called the Department of Redundancy Department?"
Ungar, whose given name is Sanford but who is affectionately referred to as "Sandy," said his first thought was to have Academic Dean Michael Curry head up the effort since Curry does everything else on campus except coach the men's basketball team (he does work the concession stand at halftime.)
But then, President Sanford J. "Sandy" Ungar decided the new department was so potentially complex that it would need the full and total and undivided and complete attention of one individual person.
"I think this new department is so potentially challenging that it needs the full and total and undivided and complete attention of one person - like, totally," said Ungar.
He continued, "Accordingly, I have hired an exceptionally qualified person, Dr. Allen Allenallen, Ph.D., to be the new Vice President of the Department of Redundancy Department. I want to apologize in advance for doing this in the dead of night, and in a smoke-filled room without the prior knowledge of anyone - especially since the room was empty except for me, and I have no idea how smoke got into it, but believe me, it was smoke-filled."
"Now, normally I would run these potential hires before the Board of Trustees, the Executive Committee, the Faculty Committee, the Student Government Association, through numerous Town Hall meetings open to all students, a few winos that we usually find wandering around Towsontown Mall, and a select focus group of wildlife found on campus. But this time I did not because it seemed, well, redundantly redundant."
Dr. Allen Allenallen, who has a Ph.D., earned his doctorate at the University of Walla Walla University at Walla Walla. He split his undergraduate work between Penn State and the state pen at Sing-sing where he secured a double major in Prison Administration (with a concentration in Double Celling) and Prisoner Administration.
Dr. Allenallen's famous doctoral thesis, "Doubling Up on the Juice: A Quicker, Funnier Execution," won him admiration from prison wardens all over the nation and around the country too.
Dr. Allen Allenallen, Ph.D. will begin his new position at Goucher when he arrives, according to Goucher President "Sandy" ('don't call me Sanford') J. Ungar.
Asked when that might be, Ungar, eyes blazing and by now stooped over from the weight of extensive nipple jewelry, replied, "You didn't hear what I said? He'll assume his duties on the day he arrives, and - I might add - he is expected to arrive on the day he gets here!"
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