2008 Woodie Awards
Shocking News: Goucher In Briefs
By Sarah Haller, President of BS, and Sarah Culp, Back in Pog Form
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: The Absolute Truth
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Riot Reveals Gopher Identity
A riot broke out at Gopher Stadium after the Men's Lacrosse team beat Salisbury 8-1 yesterday. The riot was sparked after the Gopher mascot called the Salisbury mascot "the most ugly, annoying, really really stupid seagull ever." The Seagull responded with "at least I don't have buck teeth," which caused Goucher fans to storm the field and proceed to beat the crap out of the Seagull. The Gopher finally called a truce, and as the fans backed away, the Seagull swiftly kicked the Gopher in the groin. Enraged, the Gopher pulled off his head, revealing his identity as Professor Emeritus & Lecturer, Joe Morton. Morton then proceeded to chase the Seagull around the track until the Goucher lacrosse team threw a goal net over the Seagull. The Seagull was then tarred and feathered.
-Report by Haller
Graduation Speaker is the Guy Who Washes Ungar's Car
In keeping with his excellent taste in graduation speakers, President Sandy Ungar has just announced that the guy who washes his car will speak at this year's graduation. "I like to give everyone a chance, and this guy has got some real talent. You should see my car, it's so shiny!" Ungar said. Previous graduation speakers include Anna Nicole Smith and Michael Jackson.
-Report by Haller
Anti-Smoking Ads on Colltown Bus End Tobacco Use on Campus
The new look of one of the two buses used for the Baltimore Colltown Shuttle has single-handedly caused virtually every single student, faculty member and employee with a tobacco habit in the Goucher community to quit. "I've been smoking since I was twelve," said one newly-reformed sophomore. "But when I came back from spring break and I saw that bus, with all those happy kids on it who didn't need controlled substances to kick back and have a good time, I just didn't want to spend my life leaning on this destructive crutch anymore." The Goucher bookstore reports that cigarette sales have flatlined, down to only a few packs a week purchased by some commuting students. Bookstore manager Bruce Evatt expressed his belief that even these buyers would soon disappear: "As soon as those kids see that bus, it'll be over for them." Evatt plans to replace the cigarettes with bubblegum, board games, and young adult novels about ignoring cultural differences to build lasting friendships, no matter what obstacles may lie in the way.
-Report by Culp
Underwear Bandit on the Loose
Last week, a man known as the "Underwear Bandit" stole over 200 pairs of underwear on the Goucher campus alone. Heubeck Hall dorms were hit the hardest. Even SGA President Josh Stober '06 lost his underwear. Ironically, he was the only male who had his underwear stolen. The suspect was last seen in Pearlstone Café, and has been described as a tall white male with fire-red hair and yellow pants.
-Report by Haller
CDO Outsourced to South-East Asia
In a controversial move which administrators claimed would "better serve the Goucher community while increasing efficiency and value," Goucher administrators closed the on-campus Career Development Office last week after completing a deal with an Indonesian subcontractor to handle student requests for help in finding employment. Dean Michael Curry said in an interview, "It was simply not feasible at this time for us to maintain employees domestically. However, I can assure students that there will be zero drop in customer satisfaction. These people from less-developed nations who are willing to work for eleven cents an hour are just as dedicated to helping students begin on gainful and rewarding career paths as the old staff we just fired."
-Report by Culp
Residence Life Names New Residence Hall Dick House
Residence Life Director Stacy Cooper Patterson announced today that the yet to be built residence hall will be named Dick House and have an anatomy theme. "As part of the Strategic Plan, we thought it would be a good idea to expand our boundaries," Patterson explained. "And we thought, why not expand it with anatomy?" The Dick House floor plan will be similar to that of the Stimson dormitory, although Dick House will contain beautiful colored murals of the human anatomy in the hallways, bathrooms, and common areas. Starting on April 1st, Residence Life will be accepting sculptures of any part of the human anatomy as part of the Dick House Statue Competition. The winning model will then be replicated by a professional anatomy artist, and will stand in front of the new residence hall.
-Report by Haller
FMS Gets Punk'd on Goucher TV
Goucher TV station president Andrew Packard '04 led one of the grandest schemes ever to be caught on Goucher TV. Producer of "Goucher's Punk'd," he, three fellow students, and two squirrels were involved in punking Facilities Management Services. At dawn yesterday, Packard replaced all of the FMS golf carts with red wagons and a ransom note reading, "You will get your carts back if you create a dance routine with the entire FMS staff and perform today at noon at the Residential Quad." Knowing they could not survive without the carts, the FMS staff showed up dressed in sequin leotards borrowed from Academic Dean Michael Curry and danced to "Just Got Paid" by N'Sync. After the performance they were informed that the golf carts were not actually stolen; they were parked behind the FMS building.
-Report by Haller
SGA Does Not Have Any Questions About Hinge Replacement Policy
The Student Government Association was silent last Wednesday as FMS Director Harold Tinsley completed the final slide of his Power Point presentation on the proposed revisions to the Goucher policy governing door hinge inspection and repair. "Does anyone have any questions for Harold?" SGA president Josh Stober '06 asked the legislature. "Anyone?" "Comments are fine, too, any thoughts you might have," added Tinsley. After another twenty seconds with no response, Tinsley received a round of polite applause and left the room. Bon Appetit representatives will visit SGA next week for their feedback on the new Cheese Puff Availability Policy in Pearlstone.
-Report by Culp
Riot Reveals Gopher Identity
A riot broke out at Gopher Stadium after the Men's Lacrosse team beat Salisbury 8-1 yesterday. The riot was sparked after the Gopher mascot called the Salisbury mascot "the most ugly, annoying, really really stupid seagull ever." The Seagull responded with "at least I don't have buck teeth," which caused Goucher fans to storm the field and proceed to beat the crap out of the Seagull. The Gopher finally called a truce, and as the fans backed away, the Seagull swiftly kicked the Gopher in the groin. Enraged, the Gopher pulled off his head, revealing his identity as Professor Emeritus & Lecturer, Joe Morton. Morton then proceeded to chase the Seagull around the track until the Goucher lacrosse team threw a goal net over the Seagull. The Seagull was then tarred and feathered.
-Report by Haller
Graduation Speaker is the Guy Who Washes Ungar's Car
In keeping with his excellent taste in graduation speakers, President Sandy Ungar has just announced that the guy who washes his car will speak at this year's graduation. "I like to give everyone a chance, and this guy has got some real talent. You should see my car, it's so shiny!" Ungar said. Previous graduation speakers include Anna Nicole Smith and Michael Jackson.
-Report by Haller
Anti-Smoking Ads on Colltown Bus End Tobacco Use on Campus
The new look of one of the two buses used for the Baltimore Colltown Shuttle has single-handedly caused virtually every single student, faculty member and employee with a tobacco habit in the Goucher community to quit. "I've been smoking since I was twelve," said one newly-reformed sophomore. "But when I came back from spring break and I saw that bus, with all those happy kids on it who didn't need controlled substances to kick back and have a good time, I just didn't want to spend my life leaning on this destructive crutch anymore." The Goucher bookstore reports that cigarette sales have flatlined, down to only a few packs a week purchased by some commuting students. Bookstore manager Bruce Evatt expressed his belief that even these buyers would soon disappear: "As soon as those kids see that bus, it'll be over for them." Evatt plans to replace the cigarettes with bubblegum, board games, and young adult novels about ignoring cultural differences to build lasting friendships, no matter what obstacles may lie in the way.
-Report by Culp
Underwear Bandit on the Loose
Last week, a man known as the "Underwear Bandit" stole over 200 pairs of underwear on the Goucher campus alone. Heubeck Hall dorms were hit the hardest. Even SGA President Josh Stober '06 lost his underwear. Ironically, he was the only male who had his underwear stolen. The suspect was last seen in Pearlstone Café, and has been described as a tall white male with fire-red hair and yellow pants.
-Report by Haller
CDO Outsourced to South-East Asia
In a controversial move which administrators claimed would "better serve the Goucher community while increasing efficiency and value," Goucher administrators closed the on-campus Career Development Office last week after completing a deal with an Indonesian subcontractor to handle student requests for help in finding employment. Dean Michael Curry said in an interview, "It was simply not feasible at this time for us to maintain employees domestically. However, I can assure students that there will be zero drop in customer satisfaction. These people from less-developed nations who are willing to work for eleven cents an hour are just as dedicated to helping students begin on gainful and rewarding career paths as the old staff we just fired."
-Report by Culp
Residence Life Names New Residence Hall Dick House
Residence Life Director Stacy Cooper Patterson announced today that the yet to be built residence hall will be named Dick House and have an anatomy theme. "As part of the Strategic Plan, we thought it would be a good idea to expand our boundaries," Patterson explained. "And we thought, why not expand it with anatomy?" The Dick House floor plan will be similar to that of the Stimson dormitory, although Dick House will contain beautiful colored murals of the human anatomy in the hallways, bathrooms, and common areas. Starting on April 1st, Residence Life will be accepting sculptures of any part of the human anatomy as part of the Dick House Statue Competition. The winning model will then be replicated by a professional anatomy artist, and will stand in front of the new residence hall.
-Report by Haller
FMS Gets Punk'd on Goucher TV
Goucher TV station president Andrew Packard '04 led one of the grandest schemes ever to be caught on Goucher TV. Producer of "Goucher's Punk'd," he, three fellow students, and two squirrels were involved in punking Facilities Management Services. At dawn yesterday, Packard replaced all of the FMS golf carts with red wagons and a ransom note reading, "You will get your carts back if you create a dance routine with the entire FMS staff and perform today at noon at the Residential Quad." Knowing they could not survive without the carts, the FMS staff showed up dressed in sequin leotards borrowed from Academic Dean Michael Curry and danced to "Just Got Paid" by N'Sync. After the performance they were informed that the golf carts were not actually stolen; they were parked behind the FMS building.
-Report by Haller
SGA Does Not Have Any Questions About Hinge Replacement Policy
The Student Government Association was silent last Wednesday as FMS Director Harold Tinsley completed the final slide of his Power Point presentation on the proposed revisions to the Goucher policy governing door hinge inspection and repair. "Does anyone have any questions for Harold?" SGA president Josh Stober '06 asked the legislature. "Anyone?" "Comments are fine, too, any thoughts you might have," added Tinsley. After another twenty seconds with no response, Tinsley received a round of polite applause and left the room. Bon Appetit representatives will visit SGA next week for their feedback on the new Cheese Puff Availability Policy in Pearlstone.
-Report by Culp
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