2008 Woodie Awards
Nukes and Stuff Found In Iraq
Bush Thumbs Nose at Hans Blix, Cheney Said to Dance Like a Monkey
Chris Pille
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: The Absolute Truth
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Twelve nuclear missiles, five hundred thousand gallons of nerve gas, and a video of Saddam Hussein confessing to complicity in the 9/11 attacks were recently found in Iraq, according to some random dude I met on the street.
"Yeah, uh, I saw it on TV," the man said.
Apparently, weapons inspectors had failed to check in the evil-looking warehouse in Baghdad that had a big sign on it saying, "There are no WMD in here. Go away."
According to the anonymous source, former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix was incredulous at the find, reportedly saying, "ROFL! WTF, mate? Like, OMG!"
The revelation comes as President Bush recently announced major increases in defense spending. In a televised address last week, Bush said, "I recently asked Congress for" - at this he put his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth - "seven million trillion bajillion shmillion vermillion bobillion dollars to fight the war on terror."
"Holy crap!" commented Strong Bad, political science professor at Crazy Go Nuts University. "The system," he continued, "is down."
Bush ended his address by saying, "May God bless, continue to bless, keep right on blessin' our blessed country and our holy crusaders of good, oh glory glory HALLELUJAH!"
In January, President Bush announced that his administration had received "really super credible intelligence" that the "evil regime" on Mars "kinda maybe" has a weapons of mass destruction program which "almost might" produce a nuclear weapon sometime within the next "undetermined period of time." Bush revealed plans to launch a preemptive strike on Mars to counter the growing threat.
Martian Ambassador to Earth Tngybok Smackalacka denied the charges, saying that Mars poses no threat to the people of Earth.
"Oh come on, we all saw Mars Attacks," said Jack Smith, expert on everything.
But the Bush administration is not done with the Middle East. The president revealed in a press conference last week, "We received some information from a guy that Saddam gave all his weapons and stuff to Iran so they are next on the list to become free democracies of freedom. We must preventively preempt them before they have a chance to preemptively prevent us from preempting them. People of Iran, all your base are belong to us! Mua! Mua ha!"
Eventually, after a suggestion by Fred from Scooby Doo, one of the reporters pulled the Dubya mask off the face of the impostor, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who proceeded to shoot laser beams from his eyes, thus confirming Democratic suspicions that Rumsfeld is, indeed, a robot.
"Jinkies!" commented Velma Dinkley of Mystery, Inc.
And then--
(This article will now terminate because the writer has been abducted by the Secret Service.)
Twelve nuclear missiles, five hundred thousand gallons of nerve gas, and a video of Saddam Hussein confessing to complicity in the 9/11 attacks were recently found in Iraq, according to some random dude I met on the street.
"Yeah, uh, I saw it on TV," the man said.
Apparently, weapons inspectors had failed to check in the evil-looking warehouse in Baghdad that had a big sign on it saying, "There are no WMD in here. Go away."
According to the anonymous source, former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix was incredulous at the find, reportedly saying, "ROFL! WTF, mate? Like, OMG!"
The revelation comes as President Bush recently announced major increases in defense spending. In a televised address last week, Bush said, "I recently asked Congress for" - at this he put his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth - "seven million trillion bajillion shmillion vermillion bobillion dollars to fight the war on terror."
"Holy crap!" commented Strong Bad, political science professor at Crazy Go Nuts University. "The system," he continued, "is down."
Bush ended his address by saying, "May God bless, continue to bless, keep right on blessin' our blessed country and our holy crusaders of good, oh glory glory HALLELUJAH!"
In January, President Bush announced that his administration had received "really super credible intelligence" that the "evil regime" on Mars "kinda maybe" has a weapons of mass destruction program which "almost might" produce a nuclear weapon sometime within the next "undetermined period of time." Bush revealed plans to launch a preemptive strike on Mars to counter the growing threat.
Martian Ambassador to Earth Tngybok Smackalacka denied the charges, saying that Mars poses no threat to the people of Earth.
"Oh come on, we all saw Mars Attacks," said Jack Smith, expert on everything.
But the Bush administration is not done with the Middle East. The president revealed in a press conference last week, "We received some information from a guy that Saddam gave all his weapons and stuff to Iran so they are next on the list to become free democracies of freedom. We must preventively preempt them before they have a chance to preemptively prevent us from preempting them. People of Iran, all your base are belong to us! Mua! Mua ha!"
Eventually, after a suggestion by Fred from Scooby Doo, one of the reporters pulled the Dubya mask off the face of the impostor, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who proceeded to shoot laser beams from his eyes, thus confirming Democratic suspicions that Rumsfeld is, indeed, a robot.
"Jinkies!" commented Velma Dinkley of Mystery, Inc.
And then--
(This article will now terminate because the writer has been abducted by the Secret Service.)
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