2008 Woodie Awards
Looking to the Past
Sarah Haller
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Only At Goucher
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
One Year Ago Today: 2003
Strategic Plan Finalized
The Super Gigantic Magnificent Strategic Plan was finalized and presented to the Goucher community over donuts. The main goals called for a more globally aware, communicative, diverse, and heavily sedated Goucher community. Among the proposed plans were scaling winter breaks down to three days to make room for the new winter semester program and the Sheraton Hotel will now serve as our Athenaeum.
Ungar Appoints VP of BS
Buddy Williams was appointed to the position of Vice President of BS to handle the overwhelming amount of BS on campus. His many important duties include writing all speeches given by any member of the administration, making up new Vice President positions, eating in Stimson for every meal to assure that it is not poisoned, and making up amendments and new regulations that will do absolutely nothing to benefit the Goucher community. He hopes to lower tuition, get rid of the onecard system, start a cheerleading squad, have Sir Mix-a-lot open for GIG, build a Wawa outside of Stimson, install a silencer on the fire alarms in dormitories, and allow students to have hamsters and other large rodents as pets on campus. Although none of these things are under his control, he insisted it will not be problem: "Me and Sandy go way back."
Tavern Discovered in New House
Twenty-four students were almost expelled from Goucher after they were discovered running a secret tavern under the New House. Students claimed to be having a belated St. Patrick's Day party with non-alcoholic beverages at a pretend bar they set up. Security believed them.
Goucher A Cappella Groups Beat the Crap Out of Each Other
Long time rivals, The Reverend's Rebels and A Few Good Men, finally beat the crap out of each other at an SGA Finance Committee meeting. The clash was the result of Robert Hackman fraternizing with a member of the Rebels a la West Side Story.
Student Attacked by Extremely Huge Squirrel
A Goucher student was severely injured by a squirrel attack and suffered from hypothermia. With the squirrel still attached, she tried to get into Security, but the OneCard machine would not let her enter the building. She was discovered the next morning by a Security officer coming in for the day shift.
For more stories from this date, go to www.thequindecim.com and click on Back Issues for access to the April 2, 2003 issue.
Two Years Ago Today: 2002
Three Injured by Reckless FMS Drivers
Out-of-control golf cart drivers struck three Goucher students on consecutive days at exactly 4:20PM. Witnesses confirm that the driver was "most likely a male with brown hair." No one was charged or convicted in the mysterious hit-and-runs.
New House Named for Ron Jeremy
After famous porn star Ron Jeremy donated $4,000,005 to Goucher, President Ungar decided it was only appropriate to name the new dormitory after this generous donor. Jeremy agreed to teach a few courses, and perhaps even work in Pearlstone to become "closer" to the students.
Goucher Decides to Revoke Coed Status by 2004
President Ungar announced that he will withhold the admission of male applicants beginning in 2003, after a survey revealed that the average Goucher student GPA decreased by 42% following the decision to allow males to enroll in the prestigious all-female college in 1986.
Goucher Squirrels Seek World Domination
A secret Q interview with the head squirrel, Nutball, revealed that squirrels are "slowly infiltrating institutions of higher education and will use subliminal messages and telepathy to turn students into mindless drones."
One Year Ago Today: 2003
Strategic Plan Finalized
The Super Gigantic Magnificent Strategic Plan was finalized and presented to the Goucher community over donuts. The main goals called for a more globally aware, communicative, diverse, and heavily sedated Goucher community. Among the proposed plans were scaling winter breaks down to three days to make room for the new winter semester program and the Sheraton Hotel will now serve as our Athenaeum.
Ungar Appoints VP of BS
Buddy Williams was appointed to the position of Vice President of BS to handle the overwhelming amount of BS on campus. His many important duties include writing all speeches given by any member of the administration, making up new Vice President positions, eating in Stimson for every meal to assure that it is not poisoned, and making up amendments and new regulations that will do absolutely nothing to benefit the Goucher community. He hopes to lower tuition, get rid of the onecard system, start a cheerleading squad, have Sir Mix-a-lot open for GIG, build a Wawa outside of Stimson, install a silencer on the fire alarms in dormitories, and allow students to have hamsters and other large rodents as pets on campus. Although none of these things are under his control, he insisted it will not be problem: "Me and Sandy go way back."
Tavern Discovered in New House
Twenty-four students were almost expelled from Goucher after they were discovered running a secret tavern under the New House. Students claimed to be having a belated St. Patrick's Day party with non-alcoholic beverages at a pretend bar they set up. Security believed them.
Goucher A Cappella Groups Beat the Crap Out of Each Other
Long time rivals, The Reverend's Rebels and A Few Good Men, finally beat the crap out of each other at an SGA Finance Committee meeting. The clash was the result of Robert Hackman fraternizing with a member of the Rebels a la West Side Story.
Student Attacked by Extremely Huge Squirrel
A Goucher student was severely injured by a squirrel attack and suffered from hypothermia. With the squirrel still attached, she tried to get into Security, but the OneCard machine would not let her enter the building. She was discovered the next morning by a Security officer coming in for the day shift.
For more stories from this date, go to www.thequindecim.com and click on Back Issues for access to the April 2, 2003 issue.
Two Years Ago Today: 2002
Three Injured by Reckless FMS Drivers
Out-of-control golf cart drivers struck three Goucher students on consecutive days at exactly 4:20PM. Witnesses confirm that the driver was "most likely a male with brown hair." No one was charged or convicted in the mysterious hit-and-runs.
New House Named for Ron Jeremy
After famous porn star Ron Jeremy donated $4,000,005 to Goucher, President Ungar decided it was only appropriate to name the new dormitory after this generous donor. Jeremy agreed to teach a few courses, and perhaps even work in Pearlstone to become "closer" to the students.
Goucher Decides to Revoke Coed Status by 2004
President Ungar announced that he will withhold the admission of male applicants beginning in 2003, after a survey revealed that the average Goucher student GPA decreased by 42% following the decision to allow males to enroll in the prestigious all-female college in 1986.
Goucher Squirrels Seek World Domination
A secret Q interview with the head squirrel, Nutball, revealed that squirrels are "slowly infiltrating institutions of higher education and will use subliminal messages and telepathy to turn students into mindless drones."
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