2008 Woodie Awards
Inside the Goucher Bubble
Sarah Culp
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Only At Goucher
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Bennett and Robinson Dorms Reach Peace Accord
After several hours in a locked-doors conference, the House Presidents of Bennett and Robinson dorms emerged at 3:15 AM this morning to announce that they had reached a satisfying compromise and that the warfare of the last several months between the battling halls was being called to cease immediately. Bennett HP Aileen Heiman described the terms of the treaty: "In exchange for Robinson's concession that we may continue directing our male guests to their second-floor bathroom, Bennett will once again grant immunity to Robinson residents using our halls to travel to and from Thormann." Despite the initial peacefulness, officials were steeling for riots among Robinson residents after Heimann refused to deny that tollbooths may be installed to tax non-resident use of Bennett corridors.
4-Headed Cockroach Discovered in Probst
The discovery of a cockroach with four separate, sentient heads in a Probst dorm room has led to a swarm of scientists descending upon Stimson to research the bizarre insect. After falling out of a Cheerios box, in which the vermin had been nesting, the cockroach was immediately quarantined in a convenient empty bottle of Budweiser. It is unclear yet whether doctors will attempt to remove the extraneous heads so that the insect would be able to live a full and normal life.
Top-Ranking Member of Wagner Crew Captured
One of the senior leaders of the Wagner Crew was in Goucher custody Sunday night, after being discovered in a foxhole early that morning on an alleged tip from a Connor dissident. The captured member, whose name has not been released to the press, is reportedly the Queen of Spades in the official Goucher Security playing card deck based on the most-wanted leaders of the elusive Wagner Crew terrorism cabal. Goucher President Ungar is expected to release the captive's name in the next few days, and to make the successful attack a key point in his campaign for re-election.
Sources: Your Mom
Bennett and Robinson Dorms Reach Peace Accord
After several hours in a locked-doors conference, the House Presidents of Bennett and Robinson dorms emerged at 3:15 AM this morning to announce that they had reached a satisfying compromise and that the warfare of the last several months between the battling halls was being called to cease immediately. Bennett HP Aileen Heiman described the terms of the treaty: "In exchange for Robinson's concession that we may continue directing our male guests to their second-floor bathroom, Bennett will once again grant immunity to Robinson residents using our halls to travel to and from Thormann." Despite the initial peacefulness, officials were steeling for riots among Robinson residents after Heimann refused to deny that tollbooths may be installed to tax non-resident use of Bennett corridors.
4-Headed Cockroach Discovered in Probst
The discovery of a cockroach with four separate, sentient heads in a Probst dorm room has led to a swarm of scientists descending upon Stimson to research the bizarre insect. After falling out of a Cheerios box, in which the vermin had been nesting, the cockroach was immediately quarantined in a convenient empty bottle of Budweiser. It is unclear yet whether doctors will attempt to remove the extraneous heads so that the insect would be able to live a full and normal life.
Top-Ranking Member of Wagner Crew Captured
One of the senior leaders of the Wagner Crew was in Goucher custody Sunday night, after being discovered in a foxhole early that morning on an alleged tip from a Connor dissident. The captured member, whose name has not been released to the press, is reportedly the Queen of Spades in the official Goucher Security playing card deck based on the most-wanted leaders of the elusive Wagner Crew terrorism cabal. Goucher President Ungar is expected to release the captive's name in the next few days, and to make the successful attack a key point in his campaign for re-election.
Sources: Your Mom
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