2008 Woodie Awards
Campus Security Blotter
Jocelyn Heath
Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Only At Goucher
Once again, it is time for the April Fool's Day edition of The Quindecim. The staff realizes that everyone does not have the same sense of humor as we do; we did not intend to offend. Resemblances to any factual persons or events in these articles, are horrible, unintentional accidents.
Monday, March 29
-An escaped rodeo clown was found Tuesday morning down at the Goucher stables. The notorious Barney "Red" Noze, formerly of the Deranged Clown Party, held a dozen Goucher students hostage and forced them to race around three strategically placed recycling bins in the ring, in a twisted environmentalist parody of the rodeo event known as "barrel racing."
The entire population of Goucher horses was assembled to watch this grotesque event. Says Noze, "it's a big honkin' injustice, those freakin' rodeos . . . always picking on the animals. Always making them look like fools. I'm on a mission to show those horses how ridiculous this "event" is, and move them to rebellion!!!"
Noze adds, "Of course, if they elected me their leader, that wouldn't hurt either." Thankfully, Noze was stopped before he enacted the most heinous part of his plan, having the horses ride on the students' backs for seven seconds. After his capture, Noze was loaded into a small pink car and later sentenced to one hundred hours of community service making balloon animals in Pearlstone.
-A male student ran across Dorsey Center wearing only the CDO banner. The identity of the streaker is unknown - if you know anyone who wears green Converse All-Stars and monkey socks, please contact security immediately.
Tuesday, March 30
-A student who identified himself only as "secret agent man" was caught peering into the window of the Conner Apartment, "I wouldn't have had to do it," he said, "but Campus Web just isn't as useful as GNAV was for stalking from the privacy of one's own room."
-After discovering an inordinate number of textbooks scattered across the quad for days on end, campus officials stumbled upon the most bizarre cheating ring in college history. Goucher students are taking advantage of the campus grey squirrel population, offering the animals nuts, crab pretzels, and promises of world domination in exchange for completing the students' homework assignments.
Faculty suspicions were confirmed when Professor Ima Genius received an essay that "could be nothing other than chicken scratch!" The local chicken population insisted that it has taken up employment at BWI Airport and has no need for extra finances, so the administration had to investigate other avenues. Experts analyzed the essay more closely and discovered that the writing consisted of rapidly created claw marks, leaving only one remaining culprit: the squirrels.
When interviewed, the squirrel population refused to admit any wrongdoing on their part. "Everyone's always picking on us 'cause we're cute," sniffed "General" A. Nutjob. "The only thing we do wrong is exist, apparently. Just leave us alone!!!" he begs. "Well...if you want to feed us nuts, we wouldn't mind. Oh, and ignore the underground tunnel network...it means nothing, really."
The students involved, however, received academic probation with periodic room inspections for any trace of nuts. Violations of the hazel policy, the macadamia policy, etc. will result in immediate relocation of the student's housing to vacant squirrels' nests.
Wednesday, March 31
-A group of renegade seniors, fed up with "all that stupid homework stuff," has built a scale model of the Jolly Rodger and declared themselves "The Scurvy Pirate Terror of the Goucher Pond." Captain Gophertooth, as he calls himself, has declared the pond's geese "mortal enemies" and wants to "blow their feathery butts out of the water, ARRRR!"
Surprisingly, the pirate band has operated within many of the Goucher rules--substituting jello-filled water balloons for the standard front-load cannon and large slingshots for pistols. Though perhaps comforting to the administration, this has not quelled the anger of the goose population. "It's an OUTRAGE! First these stupid kids chase us into the pond, then they don't feed us, and oh look! Now they want to take over the pond, too! No way!" honked Lucy B. Goose and a recent goose community meeting.
The geese staged a demonstration on the Van Meter highway led by the motivational chant of "mine! mine! mine!" Goose anger has not stopped the pirates; they continue to stage raids in the Dorsey Parking lot and Equestrian field, insisting they have a legitimate map to "some buried treasure, arrrr" growls First Mate S. Trudy Plank. Rumor has it that the CIA plans to step in with Navy SEALS to back an aviary coup led by dictator Adam Goosein.
-Security busted a party in Robinson 207, only to find neither alcohol or drugs in use. The guard then joined the rousing game of Scrabble being played by the resident and his cohorts.
Thursday, April 1
-Students in the residence halls are used to waking up to the sounds of lawn mowers at 8 a.m., but campus residents were treated to the sound of a backhoe! With the coming of spring, a conspiracy came about to upgrade the volleyball court for "real BEACH volleyball, dude," says Rock Ohn '05.
Ohn and others rented a backhoe and purchased 10,000,000 gallons of salt water, attempting to create an "ocean" where students once lounged on the grass. By digging with shovels most of the night and firing up the backhoe around 4 a.m., Ohn and his comrades managed to dig a hole, nearly a perfect thirty cubic feet. Disaster struck when, as campus authorities approached, Ohn prematurely attempted to fill the hole with water, and ended up creating a mudslide.
Students were delighted with the cancellation of classes and scrambled out to play in the mud. The collection of tropical fish purchased by Ohn were summarily adopted by students as they flipped across the quad. A shocked administration ordered Ohn and his "California Girls" to re-fill the hole, and spend the next three semesters giving free surf lessons in the Goucher pool. The local squirrel population has been hired to help with the hole project.
-A nude gopher was spotted in a golf cart speeding down Van Meter Highway, ultimately ending up in Dorsey Center. He then performed a lip sync presentation of the Oscar Meyer Wiener song, followed by "I'm Too Sexy," before being dragged off by security.
Monday, March 29
-An escaped rodeo clown was found Tuesday morning down at the Goucher stables. The notorious Barney "Red" Noze, formerly of the Deranged Clown Party, held a dozen Goucher students hostage and forced them to race around three strategically placed recycling bins in the ring, in a twisted environmentalist parody of the rodeo event known as "barrel racing."
The entire population of Goucher horses was assembled to watch this grotesque event. Says Noze, "it's a big honkin' injustice, those freakin' rodeos . . . always picking on the animals. Always making them look like fools. I'm on a mission to show those horses how ridiculous this "event" is, and move them to rebellion!!!"
Noze adds, "Of course, if they elected me their leader, that wouldn't hurt either." Thankfully, Noze was stopped before he enacted the most heinous part of his plan, having the horses ride on the students' backs for seven seconds. After his capture, Noze was loaded into a small pink car and later sentenced to one hundred hours of community service making balloon animals in Pearlstone.
-A male student ran across Dorsey Center wearing only the CDO banner. The identity of the streaker is unknown - if you know anyone who wears green Converse All-Stars and monkey socks, please contact security immediately.
Tuesday, March 30
-A student who identified himself only as "secret agent man" was caught peering into the window of the Conner Apartment, "I wouldn't have had to do it," he said, "but Campus Web just isn't as useful as GNAV was for stalking from the privacy of one's own room."
-After discovering an inordinate number of textbooks scattered across the quad for days on end, campus officials stumbled upon the most bizarre cheating ring in college history. Goucher students are taking advantage of the campus grey squirrel population, offering the animals nuts, crab pretzels, and promises of world domination in exchange for completing the students' homework assignments.
Faculty suspicions were confirmed when Professor Ima Genius received an essay that "could be nothing other than chicken scratch!" The local chicken population insisted that it has taken up employment at BWI Airport and has no need for extra finances, so the administration had to investigate other avenues. Experts analyzed the essay more closely and discovered that the writing consisted of rapidly created claw marks, leaving only one remaining culprit: the squirrels.
When interviewed, the squirrel population refused to admit any wrongdoing on their part. "Everyone's always picking on us 'cause we're cute," sniffed "General" A. Nutjob. "The only thing we do wrong is exist, apparently. Just leave us alone!!!" he begs. "Well...if you want to feed us nuts, we wouldn't mind. Oh, and ignore the underground tunnel network...it means nothing, really."
The students involved, however, received academic probation with periodic room inspections for any trace of nuts. Violations of the hazel policy, the macadamia policy, etc. will result in immediate relocation of the student's housing to vacant squirrels' nests.
Wednesday, March 31
-A group of renegade seniors, fed up with "all that stupid homework stuff," has built a scale model of the Jolly Rodger and declared themselves "The Scurvy Pirate Terror of the Goucher Pond." Captain Gophertooth, as he calls himself, has declared the pond's geese "mortal enemies" and wants to "blow their feathery butts out of the water, ARRRR!"
Surprisingly, the pirate band has operated within many of the Goucher rules--substituting jello-filled water balloons for the standard front-load cannon and large slingshots for pistols. Though perhaps comforting to the administration, this has not quelled the anger of the goose population. "It's an OUTRAGE! First these stupid kids chase us into the pond, then they don't feed us, and oh look! Now they want to take over the pond, too! No way!" honked Lucy B. Goose and a recent goose community meeting.
The geese staged a demonstration on the Van Meter highway led by the motivational chant of "mine! mine! mine!" Goose anger has not stopped the pirates; they continue to stage raids in the Dorsey Parking lot and Equestrian field, insisting they have a legitimate map to "some buried treasure, arrrr" growls First Mate S. Trudy Plank. Rumor has it that the CIA plans to step in with Navy SEALS to back an aviary coup led by dictator Adam Goosein.
-Security busted a party in Robinson 207, only to find neither alcohol or drugs in use. The guard then joined the rousing game of Scrabble being played by the resident and his cohorts.
Thursday, April 1
-Students in the residence halls are used to waking up to the sounds of lawn mowers at 8 a.m., but campus residents were treated to the sound of a backhoe! With the coming of spring, a conspiracy came about to upgrade the volleyball court for "real BEACH volleyball, dude," says Rock Ohn '05.
Ohn and others rented a backhoe and purchased 10,000,000 gallons of salt water, attempting to create an "ocean" where students once lounged on the grass. By digging with shovels most of the night and firing up the backhoe around 4 a.m., Ohn and his comrades managed to dig a hole, nearly a perfect thirty cubic feet. Disaster struck when, as campus authorities approached, Ohn prematurely attempted to fill the hole with water, and ended up creating a mudslide.
Students were delighted with the cancellation of classes and scrambled out to play in the mud. The collection of tropical fish purchased by Ohn were summarily adopted by students as they flipped across the quad. A shocked administration ordered Ohn and his "California Girls" to re-fill the hole, and spend the next three semesters giving free surf lessons in the Goucher pool. The local squirrel population has been hired to help with the hole project.
-A nude gopher was spotted in a golf cart speeding down Van Meter Highway, ultimately ending up in Dorsey Center. He then performed a lip sync presentation of the Oscar Meyer Wiener song, followed by "I'm Too Sexy," before being dragged off by security.
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