2008 Woodie Awards
Wacky Sports Prognostications for 2004
Art LaPenotiere
Issue date: 12/10/03 Section: Sports and Wellness
My friend Swami and I broke bread over the weekend. He and I have been having a December lunch for more years than I'd like to remember. We have a few laughs, tell a few lies, and then Swami makes his predictions for the coming year.
The Swam acquired his nickname long before ESPN's Chris Berman donned a turban on the tube to predict the outcome of football games. To say that the lesser known Swami (my friend) is eccentric is sort of like saying Mother Theresa was a pretty cool chick.
Swami proclaims himself to be a seer, a soothsayer, a prognosticator of the highest order, and the former assistant manager of the pork department at the Meatland store in Pocomoke City, Maryland. Herewith, then, are his sports predictions for the coming year:
JANUARY: You start the year out fine (a nod to Neil Sedaka). Shortly after the big lighted ball in Times Square descends to proclaim the beginning of 2004, Swami says a professional or college athlete will be arrested for driving under the influence.
Be patient, it does get better.
FEBRUARY: Ravens' coach Brian Billick, in his post-season press conference, will tell reporters that he has his eye on a free-agent quarterback that will end the team's run of lame players at that position. Billick says that he'll pursue 41-year-old Vinnie Testeverde, the franchise's first quarterback, and return him to Baltimore. He asks the fans to take a leap of faith with him on this.
MARCH: Swami says the NCAA will announce plans to abandon the wildly popular 64- team post-season tournament known as March Madness. The governing athletic body announces the tournament will be replaced with a complicated mathematical formula known as the TCS (Tournament Championship Series) which will electronically select the best two teams at the end of the year. They will then be matched up in an EA Sports computer game played between the two head coaches. The NCAA, with great pride, names a national champion without a game ever being played. EA Sports pays the NCAA $1.5 billion for exclusive corporate sponsorship rights.
The Swam acquired his nickname long before ESPN's Chris Berman donned a turban on the tube to predict the outcome of football games. To say that the lesser known Swami (my friend) is eccentric is sort of like saying Mother Theresa was a pretty cool chick.
Swami proclaims himself to be a seer, a soothsayer, a prognosticator of the highest order, and the former assistant manager of the pork department at the Meatland store in Pocomoke City, Maryland. Herewith, then, are his sports predictions for the coming year:
JANUARY: You start the year out fine (a nod to Neil Sedaka). Shortly after the big lighted ball in Times Square descends to proclaim the beginning of 2004, Swami says a professional or college athlete will be arrested for driving under the influence.
Be patient, it does get better.
FEBRUARY: Ravens' coach Brian Billick, in his post-season press conference, will tell reporters that he has his eye on a free-agent quarterback that will end the team's run of lame players at that position. Billick says that he'll pursue 41-year-old Vinnie Testeverde, the franchise's first quarterback, and return him to Baltimore. He asks the fans to take a leap of faith with him on this.
MARCH: Swami says the NCAA will announce plans to abandon the wildly popular 64- team post-season tournament known as March Madness. The governing athletic body announces the tournament will be replaced with a complicated mathematical formula known as the TCS (Tournament Championship Series) which will electronically select the best two teams at the end of the year. They will then be matched up in an EA Sports computer game played between the two head coaches. The NCAA, with great pride, names a national champion without a game ever being played. EA Sports pays the NCAA $1.5 billion for exclusive corporate sponsorship rights.