Quindecim

Issue date: 12/10/03 Section: Arts and Entertainment

Mona Lisa Smile, Julia Roberts´ newest film, hits theaters December 19.

The remake of the classic book Cheaper by the Dozen comes out Christmas Day.

Here's what's going to be at the theatre over the next couple of months. Good luck, and happy holidays.

Love Don't Cost A Thing: Nickelodeon-grown star Nick Cannon pays a popular girl to date him. As his father, Steve Harvey makes crude sexual hand motions. (Dec. 12)

Something's Gotta Give: Jack Nicholson massages his ego as a playboy who starts to fall for the mother (Diane Keaton) of his latest conquest. Somewhat randomly, Keanu Reeves also stars. (Dec. 12)

Stuck on You: Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear play conjoined twins. Oh, you lovable Farrelly scamps, is there no limit to your zany tastelessness? (Please, please let there be a limit.) (Dec. 12)

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King: Frodo and Sam run from people who want to hurt them. Aragorn is important. Gimli is short and fat. Agent Smith is cool. My mom tells me again that she thinks Legolas is cute, and I cover my ears. (Dec. 17)

Mona Lisa Smile: Girls, girls, girls! Julia Roberts teaches a bunch of 1970s Wellesley students how to not be oppressed by men, or whatever. It'd be a lot cooler if she encouraged them to destroy property and assault the boys who hurt them, like in Daughters of Eve. But I doubt it. (Dec. 19)

Cheaper by the Dozen: Do you remember these cool old stories about a family with a dozen kids? The books have turned into this Steve Martin movie, except that the movie is presumably a lot dumber. (Also, no fictional character could possibly be as annoying as Hilary Duff.) (Dec. 25)

Cold Mountain: Civil War soldier Jude Law journeys home to North Carolina and his left-behind sweetheart Nicole Kidman. Renee Zellweger also stars and gets to carry around a rifle. (Dec. 25)

Paycheck: After working on a secret project for two years, then suddenly having his memory wiped clean, Ben Affleck tries to figure out his life again with only a handful of random clues. Directed by action guru John Woo. (Dec. 25)

Peter Pan: The long-awaited prequel to Hook. (Dec 25)

House of Sand and Fog: Alcoholic Jennifer Connelly and exiled Iranian Ben Kingsley fight over ownership of a house. It's based on an Oprah book, so my guess is that the house eventually burns to the ground in an orgy of scented candles. (Dec. 26)

Big Fish: Tim Burton's first project since Planet of the Apes, about four fantastic tales related to a son by his dying father. (Jan 9)

Chasing Liberty: Mandy Moore is the President's daughter. Her Secret Service agent is a young, generically attractive male. I really, really, really wish that someday Hollywood would make a movie where people don't fall in love just because they exist and bear compatible genitalia. (Jan. 9)

Monster: The true story of a Florida prostitute, played by Charlize Theron, who murders her clients when not hanging out with her girlfriend Christina Ricci. See, I don't understand people who would prefer to see Wellesley girls learn to speak up in class when they could see lesbian prostitutes killing their attempted rapists. The world is a strange place. (Jan. 9)

My Baby's Daddy: Three guys take care of their newborn infants. Because when men have to deal with children, it's a wacky, hilarious romp. When women take care of them, it's so the men can go off and have wacky, hilarious romps. (Jan. 9)

Along Came Polly: After his new wife Debra Messing cuckolds him on their honeymoon, Ben Stiller starts dating free spirit Jennifer Aniston. The most interesting thing I can note about this movie is that the cast list includes Christine Barger as "Mary Magdalene." (Jan. 16)

Disney's Teacher's Pet: Based on the Saturday morning ABC cartoon of the same name, about a dog who attends school posing as a human. Kelsey Grammar, Paul Reubens, Megan Mullally and Jay Thomas pick up easy paychecks. (Jan. 16)

Torque: What if they made a movie and nobody could distinguish it from Biker Boyz? (Jan. 16)

The Butterfly Effect: Ashton Kutcher plays a guy who discovers how to go back to his childhood, but his fiddling with the past keeps having unintended results on his current life. Like when Kutcher dropped out of acting class to attend the University of Pretty Boys Dating Elderly Hotties. (Jan. 23)

Mindhunters: A group of FBI agents trained to locate serial killers discovers that one of their own is murdering other team members. You know, that same thing happened on the Q staff last year. (Jan. 23)

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! : A small-town grocery cashier (Kate Bosworth) wins a contest to meet her favorite movie star; he consequently falls in love with her, just as her best friend Topher Grace also manages to admit his romantic feelings. (Jan. 23)

The Big Bounce: A male and female thief start a relationship, while she's having sex with a real estate tycoon and he's working for a judge who also happens to be the tycoon's business rival. Surprisingly, it's based on a novel by Elmore Leonard; his plots are usually so simple and straightforward, I don't know what got into him. (Jan. 30)

The Perfect Score: A stupid, wannabe-Breakfast-Club-ish movie about a bunch of kids taking the S.A.T., which poor Scarlett Johansson somehow got roped into before everybody saw Lost in Translation and realized she was destined for better things. I could've told you that. (Jan. 30)

You Got Served: Two friends compete in a "street dance" competition against other "street dancers" for the right to open their own hip-hop recording studio. I have no idea what "street dancing" is. I guess it's dancing in the street. What if it rains? Are there "street dance" indoor arenas, complete with asphalt, fire hydrants, hobos? Is it the same thing as breakdancing? People usually breakdance outside, too. At least I think they do. Whatever, I don't care, this flick couldn't even get any rap stars with a name big enough for me to recognize. (Jan. 30)

Against the Ropes: Meg Ryan stars in the true story of a white Jewish woman who became manager for several major boxing stars. It could be sort of cool, or it could suck, but being delayed about sixteen times from its original release date last year isn't exactly a good omen. (Feb. 6)

Barbershop 2: Same cast, pretty much the same hijinks, plus Queen Latifah. (Feb. 6)

Miracle: Another true sports story, this time starring Kurt Russell as a guy who was cut from the U.S. Olympic hockey team right before they took the gold in 1960, and went on to lead the team to victory over the U.S.S.R. in 1980. I guess the real Americans are supposed to buy tickets to this one while the Communists go see Meg Ryan. (Feb. 6)

Welcome to Mooseport: A former U.S. president (Gene Hackman) runs for mayor of the small New England town where he lives. (Feb. 6)

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